The many faces of Francis Frump
The marvelous metamorphing Muggle

For many years, wizards have been told that muggles are dull creatures without an ounce of what we would term “special” talents. But The Quibbler has uncovered the truth about Muggles–a truth that the Ministry of Magic has been hiding for years!

Francis Frump, a village muggle born in Nottingham, has possessed mysterious magic-like qualities since she was two years old, even though she is not from a wizarding family and it has been supposedly determined by ten different wizards that she is not “magically” endowed. Yet Ms. Frump has the uncanny ability to metamorphose.

“I’ve been changin’ me face ever since I was a wee lass,” states Ms. Frump, who has no explanation for her condition. “One day the nose just pops up warty, then its as fine a Roman nose as ever ya seen. Thank heavens there weren’t no strange occurrences during me weddin’ day pictures! The most bonnie lass you ever seen, although I did have a case of harelip durin’ the honeymoon. Scared me husband to death.”

Officials at the Misuse of Muggle Artifacts office have attempted to explain the mysterious transformations of Ms. Frump, which seem to be completely out of her control. But as far as they can discover, Ms. Frump has never been affected by an Enchanted Muggle Artifact.

“We’ve found nothing in her past that seems to have been enchanted with a transfiguring spell,” states Arthur Weasley, a MoMa official. “She was just born that way, I guess.”

So do Muggles with mysterious powers warrant being considered another “magical” race?

“Absolutely not,” states Minister of Magic Junior Assistant Percy Weasley. “An entire department devoted to finding out about mysterious Muggles? It would be a waste of the Ministry’s time. We don’t even think they exist.” The Ministry of Magic universally denies the existence of Mrs. Frump’s condition, citing that Muggle face paint, wigs, and strange fascinations with changing her identity are far easier to believe.

“Had she been a real metamorphmage, she would have been declared a wizard. Or a squib. But she’s one-hundred percent completely Muggle. All her claims are simply farce.”

Others within the Ministry are not so sure. “Muggles, enchanted of their own form? That is exceptionally interesting...I should very much like to study it,”replies Mr. Weasley (er, Arthur Weasley). “I definitely think it warrants at least a further investigation, to see if her claims are true.”

As for Mrs. Frump, well, she’ll continue her quiet existence in her Nottingham home, her memory modified after each inquisition with the wizarding community, but still aware of her metamorphing condition.

“I’m trying to be as normal as possible,” she says jovially, “‘course, me neighbors get a bit nutters when it’s a burly man with the arms of a monkey and long curly hair comin’ out o’ me house to fetch the paper, but they seem to be able to accept it when I return as meself again a bit later...”

Dear Mrs. Frump, however, does not realize that the Department of Mysteries Mysterious Muggle Monitoring Mages (part of the Mysterious network knows as “Big Wizard”–a story broken to you by The Quibbler ) is keeping on eye on her neighbors and modifying their memories where it is felt appropriate.

“We make sure that nobody asks questions. Its starts with her, it ends with Muggles waltzing about in the Ministry itself” says an unidentified source in the Ministry.

MOM officials deny interference with Muggle daily lives (“Absurd” cries Mr. Weasley–Percy). But as the Quibbler knows, things are about as absurd as they are absolute. And thanks to the mysteriously metamorphing Mrs. Frump, Muggles will always be a bit more maniacal than they appear.