Advice from a brilliant Professor Dear Snape, My dad's a nutter. He wants me to take muggle studies! I know he loves it, but I think its rubbish. Oh, and my mum agrees with my dad, because she always does. How should I tell them that I think its a whole load of bullocks without dad dissowning me? Pink Ears Pink Ears, Your parents are obviously the sad, pathetic type if they have to devote their lives into forcing their children to study the easiest and most basic class they could find. You must not be much of a brain either. Do not consider taking Potions. Snape ~ Dear Snape, Lately, my grades have been slipping, when they used to be top marks. I've been feeling a little lonely, and not inspired to actually complete my school work. What should I do? Signed, Stressed Student Dear Stressed Student, You were obviously skimming by on sheer luck in the first place, and your marks are getting lower because your professors have finally caught on that you're dumber than the bricks that built their classrooms. As for your lonliness, I'm sure no other student would want to be known as the friend of an imbecile. Snape ~ Dear Snape, I hurt my arm during Quidditch practice when this guy I liked collided with me. He won’t admit it was his fault, when I know very well that it was. I want him to apologize, but I also don’t want him to think I’m stuck up or anything. What should I do? Love Seeker Love Seeker, He’s a prat, you’re a stubborn wench. Neither of you deserve one another. You should forget him and devote more of your time to acquiring a life. Snape Professor Snape, The foreign exchange student, Gertrude, stole my boyfriend. I think she’s a veela, but no one would believe me. What do I do? Loveless Dear Loveless, That girl is a petty wench burdened with deep insecurities and a highly unflattering name. But then again, so are you. Snape ~ Snape, My Poti — er, Pottery Professor is being totally unfair and failing me only because I wore my tie the wrong way. He doesn’t fail any of the Sly — er, other students because he favors them. Should I tell the Headmaster about this? Signed, Lion Heart Lion Heart, I will not waste your time by pretending to feel for your inane problems. I can, however, give you the cold hard truth, which is probably what an idiot like you deserves anyway: It's not him, it's you. It will always be you. Live with it. I'm sure your Professor is. Snape ~ Dear Potions Master, I'm afraid of snakes and that doesn't seem to go over well with the rest of the members in my House. I really think I ought to get over this fear. Any suggestions? Snake-shy Dear Snake-shy, The sorting hat must have hiccoughed whilst sorting you as you obviously don't belong to such an extraordinary house if you waste your time thinking about what you're afraid of. Get over it. Snape ~ Dear Snape, What's with the black motif you got going on? Are you hiding something? And why is your hair so greasy? Signed, Curious Curious, My choice of clothing and hairstyle is of no concern to you. I suspect you suffer from deep insecurities and overwhelming jealousy of those apparently superior to yourself, so you spend your pitiful life watching others. Congratulate yourself, though. You have my pity. Snape ~ Snape, You've been really twitchy this year and grabbing your left arm like it's burning you or something -- what's that about? Signed, Someone Smashing Dear Smashing, I have no idea what you're talking about. Snape |