Advice from the one who's done it all! Dear Peeves, I'm having the hardest time deciding what to get my... er, friend for Christmas. Last time, I asked my sister, and she told me to get her something nice and feminine. I don't want to give her jewelry, because that'd give off more than I'd want to be known. So I got her perfume, but she was more thrilled about a book than that. What do you think I should do? Signed, Desperate Dear Desperate, The perfect gift for ANYONE, of all ages, size, and status, is a nice big kick in the arse. We all deserve it. And if she's still not satisfied, try a few bubble gum in her hair -- that'll get you in for sure. Sincerely, Peeves ~ Dear Peeves, I want a new broomstick for Christmas, but I don't think I'll be getting one. My brother got one last year and it wasn't even Christmas! Actually, it was because he was named Prefect. But anyways, how might I go about getting a broomstick for Christmas? Sincerely, Grounded. Grounded, Christmas is a time of giving. So give haircuts to all the broomsticks of all your friends. Save the bristles and make your own broomstick! A nice, easy, and inexpensive way of getting that broomstick. Good luck! Signed Peeves. ~ Dear Peeves, I'm really depressed about this coming Valentine's Day. Last year, I spent it alone, and I'm afraid it will happen again this year. What should I do? Signed,Lonely Dear Lonely, Boy, don't you sound pathetic. How 'bout getting up off your arse and acquiring a life, loser! Sincerely, Peeves ~ Dear Peeves, I'm in a bit of a pickle. I really like this guy a year ahead of me, but I can't do anything about it because it's complicated. He's a total prat and my family and friends hates him (plus his family and friends). Oh, that, and the fact that I kind of have a boyfriend already. What do I do? Signed, Torn Dear Torn, My, that is a pickle. Might I suggest dumping your current boyfriend, since he must be a twit to not be able to hold your attention. Then once that's done, say "Sod off!" to your family and friends, and tackle the young lad that's oh-so captured your heart. If your body weight hasn't permanently impaled him by then, then everything should go uphill from there! Sincerely, Peeves ~ Dear Peeves, I want to treat my girlfriend to something really nice this Valentine's Day. Any suggestions? From, Dedicated. Dear Dedicated, You're beyond help if you come for advice from a ghost. For starters, if you want to really impress your gal, try doing something that YOU think of! Sincerely, Peeves. ~ Dear Peeves, My girlfriend's angry with me because she gave me some Truth-Be-Told and found out I think her sister's cute. What do I do now? Signed, Better Off Dead Dear Dead (?), You sure are an idiot... how about dating girls without siblings from now on? Sincerely, Peeves Dear Peeves, I've been all alone and lonely for approximately 54 years. Lately, there's been a boy who's been hanging around my toilet, and I wonder...is there love in my future? Hovering Hopefully Dear Hovering Hmmm...Peevsy thinks this depends. If you are a beautiful, swift, eye-fluttering lovely, then perhaps. But if you are a moping, moaning, pimply-faced, horn-rimmed wearing non-human, then Peeves sticks out his tongue and you and says "probably not!" With Love from Peeves ~ Dear Peeves, Last year two of the greatest pranksters in Hogwarts history graduated, leaving the school dull, boring, and festiveless. What can we do to make sure the school has some fun between classes? Duller than Durmstrang Dear Duller, Peeves-y knows absolutely nothing about causing trouble, but if he were he would recommend to place flibertty-gibbets in the staff toilet (if you're lucky, you get two screaming in succession), Poof juice in the Prefect shampoo bottles, Dried age herbal calkweed in all first year pillows (first years are easiest to spot when they're walking around like ducks), partially hydrogenated floo powder in the chimneys (all day people flooing in and out, its better than watching the astral plane), a live flobberworm in the indoor broom closet , two half-stuffed feathered turkeys in the Astrology tower, a sparkling eyovar in the Headmaster's office (the password is "peanut brittle" for two more days), a pinch of Poltergeist Pepper in the Bloody Baron's drawing room, (it'll have him zooming about for a week), a red and gold rug in the Slytherin Common room (just two dungeons down beyond the snake; say--what else?--"Pureblood" they haven't changed their password in 452 years), a live field mouse in the Potion master's study (have you ever seen an overstuffed black bat-like man screaming like a girl?) and, finally, a grilmonkey, a salmon eye, two vomit bags, a self-spitting hornsmaggler, and two very large packets of filibuster fireworks (along with one live orange salamander) in Filch's office. That should give you enough excitement to last about two hours, unless you're lucky with the eyovar, then it might be half the day. Good luck with the rest of the year! Sincerely, Peeves |