October—time for the “spooky, scary issue”. Right. The only thing spooky and scary about this issue is the number of people who might actually read it.

We’re in another Harry Potter news slump—it must be when the only thing to report is a rumour debunking a rumour debunking a rumour…

Good news! Half-Blood Prince is on the way!

No, wait a minute, it isn’t….

Wait, Yes, it is!

No…nope…

But hold on…It IS!!!

Oh, just a minute…sorry, wrong again…

… This is the birthday month of a certain actor of a certain bad guy in certain HP films (okay, that was last month, but since those foolish girls at the magazine can’t FIGURE OUT where the last issue went, I include my special “Tom Felton” section in this month’s issue…)

(This part was by fan request, so don’t blame me, JK, that he keeps making Malfoy look good. My hands are tied.)

Tom Felton Special QQ: Happy Birthday, Tom! I love the fish balloons!

It’s really rather sad, that the only other thing more important than script, content, acting ability, cinematography and music in an upcoming HP movie is the color and length of Mr. Felton’s hair…

Can we lay off the relationship probes? How many times does the poor kid have to say he’s NOT dating Emma Watson?

He’s NOT dating Emma Watson!

He’s surly, mean, and bullying for a total of about 10 minutes, and what does he get for his birthday? A new BMW!!! I’m surly, mean and bullying all the time, and what do I get? A Schwinn 10-speed!!!

Congratulations, Mr. Felton, on learning how to drive, and everyone in the UK, take care on the roads—you saw how well he flies a broom, right?

End Tom Felton Special QQ.

Okay, all the silly fan girls can stop screaming now.

WHAT?!! THAT BRAINLESS OAF OF A GAMEKEEPER GOT HIS OWN COLUMN IN THE QUIBBLER? WHAT’S NEXT—MUGGLE MUSIC REVIEWS FROM A MALFOY???

Wait a minute…

Rumour has it Mira Nair’s been selected as a possible director for Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix. It’s about time we had a woman at the helm—more female screen time!!!

For people other than Hermione…

Muggle Parents, it's that time again. Time for you to let go of your child, someone you no longer recognize, and send them out into the cold, dark world in pursuit of the goodies of life.

M&Ms© and Snickers©

Save some for me!