Horoscopes
What does the future have in store for you?
Aries (March 21 – April 20)
The world is far from a bright and happy place. To perk up your month, I suggest yelling at children, not washing your hair and picking your nose with your wand. However, if you are not Severus Snape and these things just don’t amuse you, I suggest a quick cheering charm and a stick of gum.
Taurus (April 21 – May 20)
Your problems will never go away. They’re going to stay with you for life (believe me). So just shut your mouth and stop complaining already.
Gemini (May 21 – June 21)
Looking into my new teacup (now three knuts less at Honest Hannibal’s), I saw an odd-looking bird with three legs and a top hat. This sign either means that you will live a happy life, grow old and have many babies or you will fall down a well on a Thursday.
Cancer (June 22 – July 22)
Avoid young men with bleached, gelled hair – wait – I mean ungelled hair… no… I mean spiky, black hair… erm, I mean… uh…
Leo (July 23 – Aug 22)
The negative effect of certain planetary influences can work like a curse (more specifically a bat bogey curse). However, Venus is determined to end the jinx. Aren’t you lucky? Let’s all rejoice and give each other flowers while petting bunnies under a colorful rainbow…
Virgo (August 23-Sept 22)
Go sign the Mattie Stepanek petition. It will probably be the only good thing you will do this month.
Libra (Sept 23 – Oct 23)
Have a happy birthday, you sly dog (and by ‘happy’ I really mean ‘mediocre’ and by ‘mediocre’ I mean ‘abysmal’)!
Scorpio (Oct 24 – Nov 22)
Wouldn’t it be great to discover gold (not of the Leprechaun kind, of course) in your garden? How about a few Chocolate Frogs in your homework? Or maybe a special gift from the wizard at The Leaky Cauldron? Yeah, it would be great. Too bad it’s not going to happen.
Sagittarius (Nov 23 – Dec 21)
Stay away from Bertie Bott’s. Yes… That is all.
Capricorn (December 22 – Jan 20)
It’s never wise to jump to hasty conclusions. Nor is it wise to jump into Hippogriff pens, Acromantula dens or deep pits. Remember that.
Aquarius (Jan 21 – Feb 19)
You are faced with sorting out your feelings concerning a certain person. Too bad you didn’t have a Sorting Hat to do the sorting for you because the decision you’re going to make is going to be the wrong one.
Pisces (Feb 20 – March 20)
Could you please stop betting on the Chudley Cannons already? It’s getting pathetic!
The world is far from a bright and happy place. To perk up your month, I suggest yelling at children, not washing your hair and picking your nose with your wand. However, if you are not Severus Snape and these things just don’t amuse you, I suggest a quick cheering charm and a stick of gum.
Taurus (April 21 – May 20)
Your problems will never go away. They’re going to stay with you for life (believe me). So just shut your mouth and stop complaining already.
Gemini (May 21 – June 21)
Looking into my new teacup (now three knuts less at Honest Hannibal’s), I saw an odd-looking bird with three legs and a top hat. This sign either means that you will live a happy life, grow old and have many babies or you will fall down a well on a Thursday.
Cancer (June 22 – July 22)
Avoid young men with bleached, gelled hair – wait – I mean ungelled hair… no… I mean spiky, black hair… erm, I mean… uh…
Leo (July 23 – Aug 22)
The negative effect of certain planetary influences can work like a curse (more specifically a bat bogey curse). However, Venus is determined to end the jinx. Aren’t you lucky? Let’s all rejoice and give each other flowers while petting bunnies under a colorful rainbow…
Virgo (August 23-Sept 22)
Go sign the Mattie Stepanek petition. It will probably be the only good thing you will do this month.
Libra (Sept 23 – Oct 23)
Have a happy birthday, you sly dog (and by ‘happy’ I really mean ‘mediocre’ and by ‘mediocre’ I mean ‘abysmal’)!
Scorpio (Oct 24 – Nov 22)
Wouldn’t it be great to discover gold (not of the Leprechaun kind, of course) in your garden? How about a few Chocolate Frogs in your homework? Or maybe a special gift from the wizard at The Leaky Cauldron? Yeah, it would be great. Too bad it’s not going to happen.
Sagittarius (Nov 23 – Dec 21)
Stay away from Bertie Bott’s. Yes… That is all.
Capricorn (December 22 – Jan 20)
It’s never wise to jump to hasty conclusions. Nor is it wise to jump into Hippogriff pens, Acromantula dens or deep pits. Remember that.
Aquarius (Jan 21 – Feb 19)
You are faced with sorting out your feelings concerning a certain person. Too bad you didn’t have a Sorting Hat to do the sorting for you because the decision you’re going to make is going to be the wrong one.
Pisces (Feb 20 – March 20)
Could you please stop betting on the Chudley Cannons already? It’s getting pathetic!